forever till forever meets no end

Friday, May 04, 2007 @9:44 PM

something suddenly occured to me today.
that i have been freaking living in denial for too long. far too long.
how about it? i thought i improved and was finally up to just-ok standard. but NO. today i realised how much i have deproved not improved and how much i suck. i realised that i have been living in a cloud of denial that i had finally improved and was going to reach an ok standard. but no. i have finally been awaken to how UGLY and shi bai-ed my movements are. it can't even be called gym anymore. i look worse then some body who just started learning gym. like some primary one kid who is doing it just for fun or something.
but unfortunatley i can't do it for fun. there are very few things i do just for the fun of it. i'm not fit to go compete at all. not to mention given the responsibility of ___. i realised that no matter how hard i train i probably won't improve. i'm like freaking stagnant no matter how hard i try. like everybody is so much better than me. i don't see why they have to pin all the hope on me. wenjun is freaking better. limjie is even better. everybody is so much better so why the hell is it me? you even said "don't put too much pressure on yourself just come of the mat not regreting what you have done" unfortunately no matter what i do, i know i'll come off the competition mat regretting it this year. lao shi isn't freaking making an effort to train us. we see her like once every 2 months?! how are we gonna do well like that? we are like totally giving everything away. i know i'm at breaking point. i already broke at training. cheryl knows that.

its not that i don't want to do well. everybody freaking knows how much we all want to do well. but in my case i know i can't. damn it i want to give up.